Who am I?

Over the years, I have found it quite difficult to talk about my sexual orientation. I did not know whom to talk to, where to go or whom to ask, but I always had a feeling that things were different for me. Who am I, and what is my role in this community? Well, I am just a seventeen-year-old kid from around Iași. I want LGBTQIA+ teenagers to know they are not alone.

My story starts in primary school, when I felt that I liked boys. I never wondered whether something was wrong with me or why I felt it; it was simply there. Later, around sixth grade, I realised: wait a minute, I like boys. Many people panic when they realise something like this, but I was still comfortable with the idea of being bi or gay. I laugh when I remember that, in a way, I also disliked the idea because everyone around me disliked it. “How can you be gay? What is wrong with you?” Guys, that is some serious stuff. My family never talked about what “gay” meant. I found out by searching Google. We have all done that at some point. I also discovered gay pornography while exploring my sexuality as a teenager.

Returning to my story, it was difficult to tell someone that I liked boys. I first came out to a cousin. We talked a lot on Messenger, and one day I asked her what she thought about people in the community. Her response was very positive, so I told her. Over a year or two, I did the same with my friends until most knew. Better they heard it from me than from someone else.

The point I wanted to reach is that I was not the kind of boy who rejected being gay. I was confused, certainly, but I cannot say there were moments when I wished I were straight. I accepted it from the beginning as something that was already true. That helped me understand that I had not chosen to be gay; I simply am. I think the people around you strongly influence whether you see it as wrong or right, and that applies to more than sexual orientation.

Over the years, I have seen good and bad viewpoints, people stuck in outdated ways of thinking, terrible stereotypes and labels. That is how people can be. Not hearing my parents say much about gay people helped me feel that being gay was okay. I have not told them, because their thinking is old-fashioned. That is also why I use a pseudonym. I know they would not accept me, especially my mother, and there is little I can do. Telling them now could hurt me. Part of me wants to, but not yet: I still depend on them. I know people who have been thrown out of their homes for this. And yet being gay is not a bad thing; you are simply attracted to someone of the same sex.

Many of my friends in the community tell me how often they wished they were straight. I did not feel a need to be different. I felt good about who I was. I feel good about who I am. I have thought about that a lot. I was fortunate to accept myself. Many people go through several stages, including denial. Accept yourself as you are. Each of us is special in our own way. Being gay changes nothing about the person I am. There can be plenty of drama around it, but I am like everyone else. I cannot spend my life feeling sorry for myself because of a classmate who bullies me and talks rubbish. I can respond with attitude, or try to show him that I am not so different from him.

Our aim as a community is not to isolate ourselves from the world. We want freedom and equal rights, like anyone else. I was watching RuPaul recently, and Chad, one of the queens from season four, was asked by a straight man why she was fighting for civil partnerships. With tears in her eyes, Chad offered a thought experiment: you are gay, and your partner of forty years has an accident, but you cannot visit because you are not a family member. It is painful. Even at seventeen, I am starting to understand why these things matter. I do not want to be treated differently simply because I like boys. If you ask me, gay men invented romance — though I immediately contradict myself. We all have a right to love, regardless of orientation, gender, religion or race.

Little by little, I began looking for people who would help me grow. It is hard being the gay child in a family that still labels people, but that will not make me deny who I am. Who am I, really? The coolest gay person in the world, simply because I am surrounded by wonderful people. I searched for them for years, and I am still searching. Who do I want to be? Someone who helps other people.

Writing is my way of helping. That is why I write for Q Society. I want people like me, younger or older, to know they are not alone. It matters to know that. Sometimes I stop in the street and hug the girl who is crying because her teacher told her she would fail her exams. Stop letting the world define who you are. You have a mind of your own. Ask yourself whether you are a good person, and ask often. Change what you dislike about yourself. But I can tell you that being gay, lesbian, trans, asexual, bisexual or pansexual is okay. Be who you want to be, and go where you feel most alive. Free yourself!